Hello, dear embraceable global family! What an exquisite evening! I’m back up in my little office delighting in the beauty of the chaos. So much to learn… so much to unveil…! It’s the beauty of this adventurous ride… sometimes a lazy river… sometimes whitewater… but always willing to take my breath away…!

Schuyler continues to unfold. It’s a bizarre process in a way. Her reasoning skills and memory are remarkably intact. Her compromised eyesight of course makes basic balance a challenge . The immense fatigue continues to cloak every experience and yet we still manage to find tons of laughter and cause for hope and merriment.
Progress is more subtle but still relevant. As her wonderful OT therapist Heather has commented, with brain injuries you are talking about thousands of repetitions before the brain “learns” it. And today both Heather and PT therapist Maggie were saying that Schuy’s progress in just these past few months is “ridiculous”. “You are learning so fast!”

Her right arm is gaining strength and flexibility. I’m seeing control that I never could have seen even a few weeks ago. A breakthrough today with feeding herself— specifically the most efficient way to use a fork. To me, using a fork is now second nature of course. I couldn’t have even described how to properly hold it. My body and mind now just do it. Today, I looked at myself— truly looked at myself and observed how I used this essential utensil. I had Schuy look at it… the third finger acting like a shelf… the thumb and second finger cradling for balance… the gentle twist of the wrist to spear the food then the gentle twist back to bring it into the right position to be consumed… together we did a little fork “ballet” with our two hands dipping and dancing the food toward our mouths… Her concentration was tangible but the sense of satisfaction from independently feeding herself the unruly SALAD leaves was HUGE!!! Who would have thought that leafy greens would be cause for such celebration but celebrate we did!

She has much more coordination with her arms and fingers these days and she can now lift a 2 pound weight over her head while lying down without having her arm collapse into her. Her voice is stronger. Her breathing is deeper. The strength of her core continues to grow. It seems like just yesterday that the therapists were challenging her to remain stable on the padded platform mats in the Rehab gym. Today for the first time, they had Schuy sit on a big yoga ball and reach for targets while stabilizing herself. She would rock and sway and rock and sway and rock and sway some more— but she DID IT!! Of course with a huge grin as the grand finale!
The strange nuances of the process of walking seem less daunting. We practice subtle shifts of weight forward and back, forward and back in the pool during aqua therapy. More attempts to stand in the water unassisted… Little by little we forge ahead and rebuild a new foundation of “reality” for this warrior princess child.
This morning we awoke to find that one of the two chairlifts wasn’t working! I tried to work some technical magic but the little chair just sat there. Nine steps between us and the middle landing… nine steps between us and breakfast and therapy… nine steep but carpeted steps… we HAD to figure out a way… staying captive upstairs was not an option… we’re daring… we’re resourceful.. we laughed (after we finished grumbling at the technology) and decided to wing it “aqua therapy” style… From standing position to lunge position wrapped in my arms, Schuy knelt and then sat, her legs spilling over onto the steps. Gait belt goes on. I start in front of her but quickly determine that she will be more secure with me in the back. She will feel more vulnerable but I will be able to anchor myself from behind much more effectively. We begin the process.

The first step terrified her, I think, but we made it. We were now committed. She wasn’t sure where to put her arms. I could tell that she was flustered. I assured her that we were fine… that she was doing a terrific job… one more step… she exhaled rapidly several times trying to diffuse her nervousness. We can do this! She tried to put her hands once more on the step below. I brought them back up onto the higher step next to my legs. I noticed how wonderfully powerful she is now. So strong! One, two, three, up… we conquered the next step…one third of the way down… Schuy laughed nervously and once again tried to put her hands on the lower step… I brought them up again beside her hips… another step… getting there… down we go… down we go… stressful but we must do this… two more steps to go… I told Schuy that she can stand from here. She was not sure. I asked her to trust me. One, two, three… nerves of steel… she stood in her “leaning tower of Schuyler” position…all of her weight was on me… we staggered but we did it! We laughed and adjusted into our standing hug position and took a breath.. WE DID IT!! (Definitely needed to take a shower… I was drenched in sweat…oh my). We gained our composure and navigated the step down from the one landing to the next then into the functioning chair… just another day in our version of Paradise… thank GOD for our sense of humor!

Time for some grapes and croissant (finger food) while I quickly walked the dogs (and—blush— fed the neighborhood duck families). Back inside, I fixed a quick spinach, broccoli and mozzarella omelet and topped it off with fresh fruit and yogurt. We each downed our “high energy” vitamin and our “thinksmart” brain supplement. We were ready to seize the day!

I confess that yesterday morning was magical too. I had been in Orlando for a conference and I guess that Schuyler didn’t really connect that I would be home when she woke up. When I walked into her room in the wee hours of the morning to give her a bathroom break, she pulled her little eye mask off and practically squealed in delight at seeing me! As I helped her up into a sitting position, she wrapped me in a long powerful embrace telling me how much she had missed me. We stayed there for minutes upon end suspended in time and profound emotion. How our two unique journeys had become so miraculously intertwined by one unforeseen boulder was staggering— and yet empowering. In that embrace we could feel that we are both healing and treading on unknown territory. We have always been close, but the previous closeness now seems trite compared to where we are now.
We have both been given the potential to heal and to actually reinvent who we are…starting with those very first steps… who do we WANT to be… who do we BELIEVE we can be… who do we ASK to be…? How DO we envision what lies ahead…?

Neither of us wanted to let go of that embrace. It was a breath… a moment of respite… the quiet sinking into the power of this new definition of “fine”. We truly had each other. And we have our glorious family…Saya, Ryu.. Gammy, Grandad, Kathy… Schuy’s amazing family of friends…MY new family of friends and “special people” (Amalita and more and more and more) and of course YOU, our global family…. and still we hugged… the street lights outside beamed through her window… we could hear the whisp of the cars zooming by in the night…neither of us ever expected to be in this moment but the beauty and poignancy of this moment was not lost on either of us…
One of the great lessons of this journey is that God Universe/ Life hides the ultimate irony in the blades of grass that might be mistaken for normalcy. We worry and fuss as we wonder “what about me…what about me… what about what I want… what about my needs…?” As Schuy and I sat there savoring this beautiful embrace, our Universe smiled. I think that we both realized that the greatest gifts…some of the most “aha” moments come when one is graced with the ability to move beyond oneself and to “gift” oneself to another. Note that I don’t mean sacrifice. I mean “gift”. In that gift, I mean to embrace another in one’s full power and to revel in the opportunity to CHOOSE to say, “how can I help?” “How can I serve you?” Sometimes in stepping outside of ourselves, we discover the beauty of all that is truly WITHIN ourselves…

For me, ironically, in giving so completely over to my youngest daughter, I have reconnected with a part of myself that had been alone and abandoned. I held her there in my embrace and knew that in that instant that we were each holding onto not only each other but onto a sacred part of ourselves. We had not known that we had asked for this spiritual apocalypse but even in our terror and fatigue we knew that the path was ours for the taking. We were somehow MEANT to be walking here. Now we must just trust and dare to take the next step and the next and the next…

I confess that I don’t know what the future specifically holds for us. I also confess that part of the beauty in this masterpiece is that I no longer feel the NEED to know. The “real-eyes-ing” experience for me has truly been the gift of seeing the awe in each unique step in this journey. I know more clearly now what I want. I know what I don’t want— what no longer “fits” into this new and improving version of me.

I am living proof. Schuy is living proof that as mysterious as this process is, it is a profound and omnipotent process. It will not support us in our desires for things that do not “match” with that who we really are… it will not betray our “ultimate deep often hidden Ask”… and yet it will move Reality to support us in all that is truly Genuine to that whom we uniquely Are.

The webs that we weave are truly Divine. Those that transition away from us in our lives leave behind a tapestry of purpose and intent. We evolve not as a solitary One but as a miraculous Kaleidoscope of Time and Experience— with our cloak being a collection of threads from the Many.

May our heart along this journey cry out not “Why” but instead “Why Not?” My dear global family, Life truly does “have our backs”. If we get hit by a boulder it is only BECAUSE we are created to unleash our own special tsunami. No one except each of us individually can ever truly walk in our shoes so we must wear our own shoes proudly… unless of course we dare to run the fields barefoot!

We may not always walk a path that others would choose or that others would even understand, but each of us does walk through our own sacred and important secret garden. We will plant some seeds that will immediately flourish and survive. Some seeds may struggle. Some may even perish but we must keep tending to our garden. This garden defines who we really are. It is the ultimate and unmarred Garden of Eden. By planting and tending, the garden within our soul creates the very “oxygen” the becomes our Life Breath.

We are beautiful and important souls, dear family. We can release the worry about the Why and relax into living… each beautiful, why the heck isn’t this stupid chair lift working moment…! Embrace your child. Embrace your loved ones. Embrace the stranger who shares a smile. Embrace Life… but most of all, take a moment to embrace You and this spectacular “who would have believed it” journey? You cannot get it wrong and there is no such thing as There so start dancing and believing in the I’m Possible!

For those of you who plan on attending New Tampa Dance Theater’s Dance-a-thon tonight, WE ARE EXCITED TO SEE YOU THERE!!! Thank you to all of the dancers, sponsors, volunteers and MAJOR hugs to Miss Maggie and Miss Dyane for pulling this all together. You are BEYOND amazing! In amazing gratitude… the Schuy is the Limit!

Much Love,

Meridith (and Schuy and family)